Everything You Know is Wrong [tag Mikasi]|Sensatia

[Darastrix]

Schuldig let himself into Mikasi’s shop-slash-home, ready for another session with the mindhealer. Personally, he thought they were nearing the end of things. Sure, some issues weren’t completely resolved, and yes, there were things he hadn’t shared with Mikasi, but all in all, he felt…not totally balanced (he doubted he ever would, just due to his overall personality), but better. Better worked.

~So, what’s on the agenda for today?~ he said in lieu of greeting as he stepped inside, looking around for Mikasi with mismatched eyes. ~If you want to look at memories again, I’ve got one hell of an experience to share.~ A jumble of images and sensation flashed through his mind and at Mikasi: writhing, grasping tentacles, pleasure, pain, the sign of Soahc, rapture, a man who was not just a man.

[Kender Bard]

Mikasi shut his eyes at that, not that it would help. It wasn't so much that he found the images to unpleasant, but it wasn't in line with his mood for the day. He gave Schuldig a light mental push. ~No, I have some rather serious things to discuss with you. You'll want to be sitting down for this.~

Already he was trying to weave just the smallest thread of relaxation and calmness in his thoughts. He really wanted Schuldig to be able to hear him completely through this session, no interruptions, and no losing control. He felt pretty good about the progress they'd made, but Mikasi was aware that nobody could (or should) change his personality, and it would always be a fiery one.

[Darastrix]

Schuldig raised a brow at that, but managed to hold back any comments until he sat down. "Serious how? I know it can't be anything you've dug up in my head, or I'd be at least a little aware." He tilted his head at Mikasi, frowning as a thought occurred to him. "Is this about Filly? Do you think she's going to take Delilah having a baby that badly?"

[Kender Bard]

Mikasi had blinked at that, momentarily thrown off. ~Oh.~ In truth he'd forgotten about that. ~That hadn't been what was on my mind, no. Though I don't want to deviate, I might as well let you know that she did contact me about that. I told her what I told her before; to try and forge those negative feelings into something positive and productive. I don't think she found that to be helpful advice though. She said sometimes she wishes I would let her take the easy way out of her problems, but she didn't really mean it, I don't think. I don't think she'll have another emotional breakdown but she won't be happy. Keep an eye on her and if she starts to show signs of a relapse, let me know. You and she are both welcome in my home if you need to take shelter against yourselves for a time.~

He took a seat for himself, across from Schuldig. ~With that out of the way... What I have to say is completely about you. It's going to be something very difficult to swallow. Perhaps even believe. Therefore, I will extend to you a privilege that I give very few... I will lower my shields and lay my mind bare to you so that you can see what I saw in my memories as I discuss this, as well as see for yourself that I am not lying to you during it. Would you like me to do that?~

He didn't care for all this build up. It was just going to put Schuldig more on his guard. But he'd rather do that than dump the whole thing on the man's lap.

[Darastrix]

Schuldig relaxed slightly in his seat when Mikasi said explained that it didn’t have to do with Filly. He hadn’t been aware that Filly’d gotten in touch with Mikasi about matters, but he couldn’t say he was surprised. He did wish she’d at least mentioned it to him, though.

At Mikasi’s next words, his brow arched again. “What, did Soahc stop by to leave a note that I’m to him what Filly was to Efil? Because at this point, I’d almost believe it. Or did someone drop by to say they were carrying my bastard or to ask you to pass on a declaration of their undying love?”

Despite his glib words, there was a telltale tightness around his eyes and through his shoulders. Yes, he was on guard now, and not particularly glad about it. If Mikasi was offering him unlimited access, something had to be Very Wrong, Very Serious, or both, and he couldn’t for the life of him imagine what it could be. He liked surprises, but not this sort.

He blew out his breath in a heavy sigh. “Fine. If you think I’m going to need that kind of verification, you’d probably better do it. I’ll make sure to pull out before I blow up or whatever you think I might do.”

[Kender Bard]

~Thank you~ Mikasi said. ~I appreciate that... And I trust you.~

And he began to pull down his shields until his mind was a free and open book for Schuldig's perusal... And then he began to talk.

~The last Spirit Night I had expected everything to be quiet. Perhaps I might see my parents again... I saw parents, but they weren't mine. They were yours.~ And his mind supplemented the images of the spectres as he recalled them. ~They wanted to tell me something. They knew I was helping to heal you, and they wanted to assist in that. So they offered me the truth...~

~I think it should come as no surprise to you that you have been manipulated by your former owners in Morilanta; what you might not know is that the manipulation is still at work within you. The truth of your heritage is just this; your father was a gently-born Morilantan, while your mother was a brothel worker. Your father... Loved your mother. So he tried to have a secret family on the side with you and your mother, without his wife finding out. The plan was he was going to take you and Leto and flee to Anarlina. But as what seems to be commonplace in Morilanta, he was betrayed....~

Even as he spoke, there was a note of awe and perhaps even the tiniest hint of disbelief though more at how much like a dramatic play this all sounded like, rather than reality. ~Your father and mother perished as a result. For whatever reason, Luca's wife decided to show some mercy and simply sell you to slavery rather than kill you outright.~

He kept a sharp mental eye on Schuldig, trying to see if this was jogging any memories within the other man, as Luca had suspected it might. ~This is the true story of your life, or at least the start of it. You weren't sold. You weren't abandoned. You were orphaned and torn away from parents who loved you.~

He shut his eyes as a memory stirred up, specifically, amongst the others.

"We wouldn't have sold him for anything. Ever. My wife, my estate, that was my business. Schuldig and Leto were my life."

[Darastrix]

Almost as soon as Mikasi mentioned his parents, Schuldig grew noticeably tense, suspicion and fear winding through his mind. The suspicion was directed at the spirits; he trusted Mikasi enough that he felt the mindhealer at least believed he was telling the truth, but ghosts were as capable of deceit as the living. The fear was a more general, nebulous thing. As much as he'd hated his life at Kazimir's 'school,' he'd talk about it, or rant about it. He avoided even thinking about his life before that point.

As Mikasi went on, the fear blossomed and grew. His fingers curled around the armrests of the chair until he was holding them in a white-knuckled grip. His face had gone bloodless, his eyes wide and unseeing. He was shaking, and seemed to be holding back a flight response through sheer force of will. Thoughts raced through his mind, but though the 'voice' was his, some of the words carried the sense of being from a much younger mind.

Wrong, wrong, wrong. Motherfucker. It's all wrong. In my head. Don't listen. All these years. Don't even think about it. Those fuckers still It'll only hurt. Don't think, don't hurt. Have their slimy fingers Push it back, push it back! in my MIND.

Something, somewhere in his mindscape cracked, followed by a childlike cry that cut off abruptly as Schuldig yanked his mind away from Mikasi's. He was still for a moment, staring blindly ahead. Then he made a gagging sound and clapped a hand over his mouth as he jumped up and ran for a chamberpot to retch into.

[Kender Bard]

Mikasi jumped up at that. He'd expected a lot of responses but not that. He suddenly, desperately wished that Filly was there with him, to help. ~That was stupid of me not to ask for her to come!~ Though the comment was just spoken to himself.

He walked over, tried to offer Schuldig what assistance he could, pulling his hair back. ~Easy, easy, easy~ he whispered into Schuldig's mind, soft and as soothingly as he could.

[Darastrix]

Well, there was one way to shut him up mentally. Schuldig was not particularly interested in attempting any communication, even empathically, while throwing up everything he'd eaten that day and then some. Gradually, he was able to calm down enough that he stopped dry-heaving.

~I want to tear it out,~ he whispered as he wiped his mouth with a trembling hand. ~Whatever they set up in my head, I want to fucking rip it out.~ He very carefully did not think about his parents, his early life, or anything Mikasi has said about them. Whenever his thoughts turned in that direction, a sharp spike of fear sent them the other way, preventing him from focusing on the subject. It was the sort of simple, uncomplicated emotion children often projected, but no less effective.

[Kender Bard]

~That is something we will work out together~ Mikasi told him. ~But we need to do it delicately. We don't want to hurt you. I'm not even altogether certain the nature of what was done to you... It might not be anything like what Farfarello had and was more in the lines of conditioning, which isn't anything really tangible.~

He cut himself off. Rambling about the technicalities was more comforting to him than it would be to Schuldig. ~Come lie down. I think I have a peppermint candy that will help soothe your stomach a bit. Then I'll take a look inside you, to see what needs to be done. Okay?~

[Darastrix]

Schuldig nodded slowly, grimacing as he swallowed. Fuck, his throat felt raw now. ~Water, too,~ he added as he shakily got to his feet. He drew his hand partly into his sleeve and scrubbed at his eyes and cheeks. ~...and one of your cats?~

[Kender Bard]

Mikasi was going to give up on trying to anticipate him at this point. It was really not working at all. He nodded and left the room, levitating a mug of water in front of himself and carrying one of his cats in both arms. He smiled, petted Azer who purred loudly. ~Azer loves to cuddle. Go lay back in the chair and I'll put him in your lap.~

[Darastrix]

Schuldig nodded, running a hand over his eyes as he went to stretch out in the chair. He was almost tempted to reach out for Filly, or Zira, or both, and ask them to come. He just felt so fucking off-balance, he wasn't sure what he wanted to do. That in mind, he decided it'd be best if only one person saw him in this state at a time.

Huh. Now that he thought about it, had he ever let more than one person around him at a time when he was having problems like this? He couldn't remember. Aaaand now he was on a tangent. It was a safe tangent, though, not like thinking about his...his parents. What had Mikasi said their names were? L...Lu...ca? He grit his teeth and tried to repress a shudder.

~Just trying to remember the names you told me makes me feel fucking scared,~ he sent, lips curling back in a snarl. If he ever found out that the one who did this was still alive....

[Kender Bard]

Mikasi looked thoughtful at that. ~So the root of it is fear... Interesting...~ He put Azer on Schuldig's lap and moved around him to start stroking at his hair and forehead. Mikasi didn't normally get so physical when trying to calm a patient but he knew Schuldig would respond well to it. And while he petted, he tried to slip into his mind lightly to survey the 'damage' done.

[Darastrix]

Schuldig sighed and started to pet Azer, trying to focus on the sensation of soft fur under his hand. ~Do me a favour and keep your thoughts of 'interesting' to yourself. At the moment, this is not fucking interesting to me,~ he said as he closed his eyes.

His mindscape looked much as it always did, with its ever-changing decor, though there was a distinct feeling of wariness about it at present. His mind was wont to wander, and the thoughts just came to him at random; there was no way of knowing when he'd think of something that would trigger the fear, so he was actively trying to think of anything but those thoughts. That worked roughly as well as one might expect, and it was easy to tell when those thoughts crossed his mind. Memories he didn't know he had had no subconscious symbolism for him to draw on, so here and there were brief shifts from an object to a flickering scene, accompanied by a faint pulse of what appeared to be either a glowing pattern or light filtering through cracks at the base of the dais. A pulse of fear swiftly followed, with a light that illuminated the room, and the image dissolved.