Welcome to My Pity Party

[Darastrix]

Crawford stared out of a window in his private quarters, watching the autumn snow falling gently to the ground. So, things had at last come together. It was surprising how quickly things had gone over the past year, and all because a silly priestess couldn't keep her mouth shut and Nagi had been too curious for his own good.

Well, he had to admit his own hard-handedness had played into that. If Nagi hadn't been so torn, Farfarello's attack might never have happened. And Farfarello wouldn't have gotten the help he needed, and Crawford himself wouldn't....

"I wouldn't be standing here wondering when things will seem worth it in the small picture," he muttered to his faint reflection in the glass.

Crawford had done fairly well with the larger picture, he supposed, no small thanks to a few key visions that he hadn't been seeking. They were out of Morilanta, Khelek was as safe from the Morilantans as they knew to make it at present, Farfarello was actually somewhat sane...ish (He'd never be "normal," but none of them really expected that), Schuldig actually had some small measure of peace (though the chaotic Mind was still as annoying to Crawford as he'd ever been), and Nagi was getting the kind of love and friendship he knew the young man had always wanted, but that he had denied him out of a desire to somehow keep the boy safe from the thing that had happened in his own life.

"He's not you."

Crawford sighed and rested his forehead against the cold glass. Schuldig had been right, of course. Nagi wasn't him and protecting him wasn't going to undo what the seer had gone through.

"What about me?" he asked aloud, feeling childish at even thinking the question, but it was there all the same. What did HE get after all he'd suffered? The satisfaction of a job well done? He did have a good amount of professional pride, but that hardly sufficed. What was there for him now? He was wealthy, he had status and a certain amount of prestige, but really, that was relatively easy to come by. One just had to seize the right opportunities.

He moved back from the window and took a seat in deep, soft chair near the fire. He had changed a few things since his trip to Sensatia, trying to grasp some sort of comfort and contentment to counter the loneliness that he was now more acutely aware of than ever. While Schuldig was coming to grips with the idea that maybe at least SOME of the Forces gave a damn, Crawford found himself going in the opposite direction. What had he ever been besides a tool? Even Delilah had used him as the means to an end. The thought made his chest feel suddenly tight, and rather than pushing it back as he had been, Crawford just tiredly pulled off his glasses and put a hand across his eyes.

"I loved you," he whispered softly. "Why couldn't that have been enough?"

[Kender Bard]

"Love's betrayal wounds deeper than many a sword," came a low, gentle, feminine voice from behind him.

Etaf sat on the edge of his bed, tall and proud looking, gazing at Crawford with compassion evident even though all that stared at him from within her eyesockets was a twinkling starry field. But underneath the pride and unearthly beauty was a fatigue that he should recognize all too well; the tiredness of one who has worked too hard with nary a rest.

"Ah, Brad, I'm sorry you suffer so," she murmured with gentle melancholy.

[Darastrix]

Crawford started at the unexpected voice and whipped his head around quickly, his expression already hardening in self-defense. Damned if he was going to allow one of the servants see him in such a vulnerable position, though something was telling him not to simply bark an order to leave his room. His intuition was generally accurate, so he took a moment to slip his glasses back on and really look at who had sneaked into his quarters.

He stared for a long moment, scarcely believing his eyes. An expression of wide-eyed confusion settled over his face, and Crawford slowly rose from his seat. "My...my Lady?" His voice cracked slightly as he spoke; he was still very near to tears, despite the efforts when he realised he wasn't alone in the room.

[Kender Bard]

"That's right," she answered, and moved off of his bed, walking towards him. "It is me; Etaf. I had questioned myself on coming here and revealing myself to you but then I thought... It is not only unfair that Schuldig and Efil get to see one another, and Nagi met Thuoth... But that it would be hypocritical for me to turn away from one who's heart bleeds so painfully and whose inner cries ring so loudly in my ears."

She bowed her head to him. "And so here I am, and how I wish I could take that pain from you, my faithful one."

[Darastrix]

'So do I.'

"Some of it is deserved," Brad murmured, looking away. He was the one who'd revealed Delilah's plot to Lucifer, after all. He may as well have killed her himself.

'Don't. Don't think about that right now.'

"But I still don't want it," he blurted, turning his head to look at his Lady. "When do I get to be happy? When is there an end to this--" Brad cut himself off and touched a clenched fist to his chest, over his heart.

'To this pain. To this loneliness. I know I can't push it all back again like before, but it hurts so much!'

[Kender Bard]

Etaf pulled Crawford into her arms abruptly and held him tight. "With time," she murmured. "The future still holds very much for you and your friends. I know it's not the answer that you want, but it's the truth. I cannot... Will not simply wave my hand and present to you a solution. But I will offer you hope and my love and my compassion. You'll find an end to your loneliness. Perhaps not here, perhaps not now. Today, at least, you'll find some relief."

She kissed his forehead in a motherly manner and let her divine love fill him at the touch. I am here. I love you. I will watch over you. That was the compassion she had to offer him, and she bared it to his soul. "You must simply be patient, my child."

[Darastrix]

He didn't protest over her declaration that she wouldn't just give him what he wanted. Not aloud, and not in his mind. He understood that sort of reasoning, and the words he'd spoken weren't exactly what he'd meant. But asking "Will I be happy?" "Will there be an end-?" Well. You don't ask questions when you're afraid of what the truth might be.

Brad gasped softly at the sensation when Etaf kissed his brow. It was unlike anything he had ever experienced--he'd never felt a even a comparable sense of love directed at him from another person--and he clung to her like an abandoned child who was afraid of being cast aside again. He'd been the one in charge so often, observing and overseeing countless matters, it meant so much to know, to feel, that someone above him cared and was looking over him. It was a wonderful and overwhelming thing, and Brad Crawford, oracle, adviser, guard, and assassin, broke down and cried on Etaf's shoulder.

[Kender Bard]

Etaf smiled sadly and held him. She would let him weep himself until the tears had purged the worst of his pain.

Too long have you shouldered your burdens without letting another help take the strain, she thought and rubbed his back, humming a nonsense song that was in the repertoire of mothers everywhere.

When the tears ceased, she stroked his hair softly and then touched her fingertips under his chin. "Do you feel any better?" she asked.

[Darastrix]

Brad lifted his head and nodded wordlessly and a bit reluctantly. His glasses were spattered with drying salt water and had left faint creases in his skin from how he'd pressed his face into her shoulder, but he didn't move his arms from around Etaf to wipe them. He didn't want her to leave just yet, though he knew it was silly to think that just holding onto her would keep her there.

[Kender Bard]

Etaf smiled and brushed away a few lingering tears. "I can stay a little longer if you like," she replied lightly. "Until you are needed or someone comes. If you like, we can simply look on the landscape together." She lifted her head slightly and smiled as snow ceased and the sun peeked out from behind a cloud, just enough to make the world glitter with the frost that clung to everything. "Even after I go, I'm always with you. Perhaps when my sister visits next, I will send gift with her to give to you." She winked. "For Efilive."

[Darastrix]

A tiny smile stole across Brad's face and he lightly rested his head on Etaf's shoulder, looking out the window. 'I just want to know that I'm thought of, even once in a while,' he thought. He very seldom spoke his concerns and worries aloud; given his background, he was always aware that someone might be listening, and it was just easier to let a thought cross one's mind than actually say it.

"Have I done well overall?" Brad asked quietly after a moment. He knew he'd made his share of mistakes, but he found that he did want her approval. He hadn't really thought about it much before, but when a Force was right there, treating you like her child, she became considerably more real than a few moments ago.

[Kender Bard]

Etaf tilted her head and looked at Brad, smiling. "Of course you have," she replied. "You touched on many of the reasons why earlier. Look at all the good you've brought to those around you. It's more than a professional success, Brad, you've touched people and made their lives better. That's a wondrous ability. But beyond even that I say yes. You've struggled with yourself, with problems handed to you, and dealt with them well. You should know, I wouldn't place so many visions in your hands if I didn't trust you to deal with them appropriately. I am very proud of you."

She squeezed him gently. "And I always will be. Even when you make mistakes." She brushed back a bit of bangs, looked thoughtful, and added, "And though they might not say it, I think those close to you feel much the same."