An Awkward Thank You From Your Ex

[Darastrix]

Well, he'd never be mentioning that part of the conversation to Harmony.

"Cold was calling me back to Khelek the day I'd finally decided to become a priest.  Cold was slamming me down from feeling something good relating to religion for the first time in my life to tell me you were leaving me and having me watch you die.  Cold was what you did to get to the point of 'dreamlike' remembrance."

He hadn't known what was happening at the time, but she had, and that had been a royally shitty thing to do to someone.  Especially to someone she'd still claimed to love, even at the end.

"I'd say I don't have the luxury of getting to remember things that way, but that's not what I'd call a fucking luxury."  Changing was one thing, but shortcutting it to disappear for a while and come back a different person with gaps or an unreal quality to your memories?  He'd told Filly before how wrong that felt to him, and it still did.  He'd keep his scars, thanks, and go to Mikasi if he needed help with them.

He eyed Efil.  "You said you wanted to be like Filly again, but it doesn't look like you hit that mark."  Had she seriously thought she could shed her memories and control what she came back like at the same time?  Given how well some of the other Forces' ideas had turned out (like 'put the Evil ones in hell when they die when it's our fault they're that way to begin with'), it wouldn't have surprised him.  "Do you like who you've become, or do you just hate yourself a different way now?"

[Kender Bard]

"I can never be like Filly," Efil replied, crossing her arms across her abdomen. "She represents something from an age so far gone that dwelling on it is pointless."

"I don't hate myself. I don't still fully know what I think about myself. I hate the things that I did but on the same hand I don't feel like I was the one that did them. Schuldig, I can apologize for what I was, but that's all I can do. That and move forward with things."

"I can't say I absolutely love myself either. But I like what I'm becoming as I slowly start to learn what that is. At the very least, I feel more... in tune with the essence of life. No longer as stagnated as I was."

She snorted softly. "I feel like two people sharing a mind or a body. I imagine someday that feeling will go away, but it may take a century or more. Or maybe never, I'm not sure. Did you know that those who die can, at their desire, be reborn again? It means living a whole new life as a completely different person. But when you die again, you remember both lives. That's precisely how I feel."

[Darastrix]

Note to self: when dead, stay dead.

"I'm not looking for an apology for that.  Not from you.  Don't get me wrong; I want one.  It was a dick move on your-slash-her part, and if you want to talk about pain....  It's hard as fuck to get quality help from a mindhealer when they're reeling from the fact that one of their friends is technically a Force's mortal aspect, by the way."  And it wasn't like there were that many options for mindhealers when it came to things like that. Not ones who'd believe it and not think it was a delusion.

"So, if you ever feel like one person again, and you're sorry for it then, I'll take it.  But you're not her and you don't remember it like you were her, so it'd be more of an empty gesture than anything, and I don't like those.  Of course, if you're sincerely sorry for dragging my and Filly's daughter into the war like you did when Filly can't even have more kids, feel free."

The 'not able to have more' wasn't an issue for him, but he imagined that it probably was for Filly.  And he doubted Efil would be paying her a call, so he'd put that in on his wife's behalf.  You're welcome, Filly.

"And on the subject of being different, since you're here, do you have any changes in mind for the Swan's job?"

[Kender Bard]

"As for Harmony, she is a mostly grown woman who wanted terribly to be able to help in the world events," Efil told Schuldig. "She wants so badly to be you in that regard. She wants to be someone who does big things and makes the world different just because she's in it. There's only one person she idolizes more than me... And that's you. I know you feared for her but she made her choice. I decided to give it to her. In the end, I'm glad I did. Her recovery of people on the battlefield was crucial."

She eyeballed him. "And what do you mean, can't have- oh." Filly didn't tell him.

Weelllll.... this was about to get even more awkward.

[Darastrix]

He hadn't really been expecting an apology for Harmony's involvement, and since Harmony hadn't gotten hurt (plus it had been a few years by then), he was willing to let that slide. But what she said after that?

Schuldig's brows shot up when Efil cut herself off. "What do you mean what do I mean? 'Oh' what?" Had Filly been having exceptionally shitty timing or what?

[Kender Bard]

"I thought that she would have spoken to you," Efil told him. "I.. Clarified some things for her. They didn't really make her less angry through." She figured she should make him go harass Filly over the subject but that might just cause a fight. Efil didn't want that. She took a deep breath and tried to pick her words with care. "When Filly was made it was... Understood that she wouldn't be monogamous because she was created with you in mind. I think that then it was decided it would probably be destructive to things and her relationship with you if she was having children by other people because it was also anticipated she'd have reluctance to take babybane. So for that reason..."

Efil fidgeted. "Rather than make her completely sterile she can only have children by you."

[Darastrix]

"I can't imagine why that wouldn't make her less pissed-off," Schuldig muttered.  "Seriously?  Seriously?  You-she-whoever thought that was a good idea?  To let Filly be blissfully ignorant until she goes to Flux and screws half the Lustful in the Bower and comes to the conclusion that she's barren when nothing comes of it?  Do you know how much that upset her?"


"And 'it was decided' that her getting knocked up by someone else would be destructive?  Holy fuck, the parentage wouldn't have been the issue.  It never occurred to anyone that hey, if the extremely likely outcome that she figures she can't have kids occurs - which, you know, is a thing that happened - I might get kind of lax with my shit?  How healthy do you think it'd be if we both thought she was barren and then I knocked her up, and she found out that way?  She'd be fucking ecstatic for all of two seconds and then worried how I'd react and whether I'd want her to get rid of it!"


"And I mean, we had a fucking fight when she found out she 'couldn't' have more kids anyway, so great fucking plan there!"  He picked up his glass and drained it.  "Seriously, if it's our relationship, we'll work it out.  Maybe with help that we look for.  We don't need anyone fucking with our bodies or minds as some sort of fucking safeguard."

[Kender Bard]

"First, it's really much too late to be pissy with me about this. Second, I offered to reverse that," Efil told him tersely, feathers ruffling, and temperature rising around her just a little. "Recently. She refused. Fine, that is her choice. I assumed she told you or that you both had worked out whatever made you both happiest. I didn't really imagine that would include telling you nothing. If I'd known that, I wouldn't have let slip there."

Efil gestured in exasperation, "Just tell me what you want from me. I want to make peace with you or, if that's impossible, make some sort of restitution. I don't know why it bothers me so much that we are like we are. Residual guilt, probably. But if that's impossible too, then I'd at least like to know so I don't fret my mind over something that can't be fixed."

[Darastrix]

Schuldig stood to pace the room, waving off Efil's words.  "First, it's never too late to get pissed, especially when it's the first time you hear about something.  Since you don't know me like she did, I rant to the most convenient outlet, and 'you' doesn't always mean 'you-you.'  I know you're technically not the one who did it, but it doesn't mean I can't get pissed off at what is a really fucked-up situation."

"Also, assuming shit about people: bad idea.  Especially in this house.  That's another thing that starts fights around here, but I'll guess she didn't say anything because she didn't think it would change anything.  She still doesn't take herbs and I still do."

What did he want from her?  He stopped pacing and poured another glass.

"I don't know.  I don't even know what we are like now.  If you remembered shit as her, if you were her, I'd have plenty to say and probably would regret about half of it afterward.  But you're--"  He gestured to her and shrugged as he tapped his fingers against the stem of his glass.

"But I want...I want someone who's dead and not even you can bring back.  I want to hate her because she broke me.  I want to not care because she can't care.  I want someone who remembers - really remembers - and thinks she's become someone worth it.  I want to be able to give Filly what she wants.  I want her to be happy with what we have."  He drank deep from his glass, more from desire to stop using his physical voice than any thirst.

~I want it to stop hurting, but I never want to forget.  I want you to care because you're still close enough that I can see her and your voice is the same.  But you can't give me any of that, and what you could, you shouldn't.~

[Kender Bard]

"I can only really give you answers if you want them, what I know enough to give," Efil told him. She stood tensely, nervously. Defensive. "Thuoth and Soahc told me that I probably shouldn't come here and do this but I did anyway. I don't want to go back and prove them right by tearing you up in my wake like I always used to."

"To be frank, you frighten me Schuldig. In many ways, but especially because I'm afraid I'll make the same mistakes I did as my other self around you. I don't know that I will, but it's one of the reasons I avoided you so much. All I'm asking is that you help me avoid that and to undo what I can. If I can't then I can't and it sounds like that's the case. But that leaves a bitter taste in my mouth."

[Darastrix]

Schuldig snorted.  "You want to avoid the same problems, don't assume you know best just because you're a Force.  And for the love of fuck, don't decide things for me.  I get to make my own decisions, and if they're shitty, they're still mine.  Turning mortal and falling in love is probably a bad idea, too."

~I got torn up all the time because I fell for a damn Force who couldn't stay with me.  Leaving Khelek, showing up with Harmony and leaving us both...then it was better because Filly got to stay.  It was fine then; I don't really know when or how things got fucked after that, just that they did.~

[Kender Bard]

"Filly and I couldn't be happy sharing you," Efil replied, her eyes just a little off--unfocused--as she dredged up the memories by their emotions. One hand curled into a fist without her realizing it. "Filly resented me for leeching off her emotions. She was her own person, a true human, not just a tool for a far removed Force, and she no longer agreed with my possessiveness of you. She saw me hurting you and started to hate me and it turned to a poison between the two of us, made all the worse because I could feel it keenly."

"Meanwhile, I was jealous and agitated. I wanted you so badly for myself, but I couldn't because of the same reasons I couldn't be with you in the first place. Filly was supposed to be an extension of myself but she turned against me. Her hatred was my hatred. We were still one and so I began to hate myself. Poison. Like I said. And so you were Filly's and you were Soahc's but you weren't mine. I couldn't have you. Everyone else could and it was so unfair. So I tried to cling to you in the only ways I could but that only made it worse. Everything I did made it worse."

She cut herself off with a bit of heavy breathing. In a slightly shaky voice, a moment later, she murmured, "Sorry. I wanted to give you an answer. But like I said, I most clearly remember things that are emotionally charged and..." She shook her head. "It's easy to get sucked into how things felt."

[Darastrix]

Schuldig froze and stared as Efil spoke, his expression bordering on stricken.  She sounded like she had before, when she'd left.  Fuck, that hurt, but he was glad? to see that something of the Efil he knew was there.  He even remembered Efil saying things similar to what this Efil told him.  It reminded him, too, of something Crawford had mentioned once.

~Filly and I are a lot alike.  Accident, design, or exposure, we are.  We were alike, too.  And in some of the most fucked-up ways.  We both held onto shit as tight as we could, to the point of breaking, and then we sliced ourselves up on the pieces because we kept holding it.  Brad's Seen that about me; you must have, too.

Now that is destructive.  And only one person gets to have the 'if it's going to get fucked, I'm going to do it on my terms' moment.  Congratulations on that, by the way.   I could never really get my head around the whole 'Filly - Efil' divide.  In hindsight, maybe, but during?  I loved Filly, and Efil was Filly, or Filly was Efil, or even if they weren't each other--I loved Filly.  I never really got to see the difference between her and Efil because I couldn't be where she was; I never saw things change.  So I loved Efil.~

There had been signs, but they'd been brief things that were easily glossed over, like when Efil had gotten mad at Soahc for trying to lure him into Flux when they'd stopped by the Force Home for Locket to see Adam.  And even Soahc had tried to warn Efil, pointed out that she liked him for how he was and she wouldn't want him to be changed to the kind of person she had as followers just to keep him.

~Was it love at that point?  Or was she just in love with the idea of getting to keep me and couldn't tell the difference anymore?~

[Kender Bard]

"Efil never stopped loving you," Efil told Schuldig firmly. "Of that I'm certain. She loved you so much it tore her up. You are right, the both of you kept holding on to those broken pieces and it hurt."

"And you are right in that you and she were alike once too. You've been in anguish because you felt like Efil left you." Efil amended herself. "Because she did. But she was in pain too because she felt like you'd been taken from her. Where you differed--I think, since I'm NOT going to assume things about you--is in how you handled that similar pain. Tell me, Schuldig, what would you do if Filly fell in love with another man? Not lust. But love. And then she moved away to be with him... Let's say the Firegem Islands, which is the closest thing I can imagine that approximates being completely out of your reach."

[Darastrix]

Well, that was good to know.  Sort of.  They'd loved each other, but they hadn't been much good to each other, had they?


~How lucky for this little scenario that my answer isn't 'Kill the guy,'~ Schuldig said dryly.  ~After I figured out he wasn't a rogue faerie or demon and a three-way relationship couldn't work?  Scream, cry, wreck the fuck out of my rooms, drink, take mindmelt, have an orgy, not necessarily in that order, possibly all at once.  Then Brad would drag my ass to bed when I finally bottomed out on energy, if I hadn't already gone to Zira.  Then later, I'd get in touch with Mikasi about sessions for about the next forever.~


Because Filly leaving him for someone else would mess him up, no two ways about it.