Taed Is About Endings, And This Is Goodbye

[Kender Bard]

((Summer Year 2020, New Anarlina))

Morrigan had made the trek back to New Anarlina with her countrymen and two new shadows--Renlo and Keith, the Reapers that had escorted Christian to the place of his death. Now their job was to watch over their new high priestess to be, and they took that job very seriously, barely letting her out of their sight unless explicitly asked. Even then, they never went far. She felt surreal, suddenly gone from a fairly nobody to someone who required guards that treated her like a precious piece of cargo (although at least Keith made attempts to joke about and put her at ease.)

Hoping it was only a heightened sense of concern brought on by the loss of the previous high priest, Morrigan had spent the days on arriving home in a flurry of activity. First there was explaining things to her own temple head (that hadn't gone well. He hadn't believed her until the two Reapers vouched for her, invoking Taed's own name in the process and Morrigan showing off her ring of being Chosen) and the resignation from there. She had to pack, being forced to leave many things behind for the long, long trek (including many of her books, much to her heart's despair.) She had then gone to see her mother and sister, where the news was received with awe and jubilation mixed with a deep and intense sorrow. They knew she was unlikely to see them much at all in the next however many years.. Possibly the rest of her life.

By the time she was almost ready to leave her old life behind, there was just one stop left to make.

Zira...

She almost didn't go. Although the loss of her mother and sister in her life hurt, she already saw them infrequently. It would only be more infrequently, and besides which, after she'd moved away from home there had been a bit of distance between them anyway. Zira though... He was very much a part of her regular life, not to mention that she still loved him despite everything. It didn't quite hurt as badly as it had before her confession, and the sharp pain of the inevitable rejection, but it was still a lingering bittersweet sadness to her heart. Still, she wouldn't have traded him for the world.

Except... She was, wasn't she? She was trading him, not for the world, but for Taed. It hurt, it hurt, to think of losing him, but she'd made her choice. The least she could do was own up to it, to say goodbye to his face, rather than slink off into the distance without a word. He deserved better than that, for certain.

It didn't make it any easier though. She left her escort a fair distance away (though they could still watch her from afar) as she approached Zira's home. Her throat closed up a little as she stared at the door. Come now, Morrigan. You're not allowed to cry until you at least see his face. Blinking a few times, she knocked.

[Darastrix]

Zira had scarcely had a moment's rest since their return. There was just so much to do, for his family, for his friends, for his home and province. He'd been so weary in both body and spirit when the war had finally been won, and though some things here and there had replenished him a bit, it was hard to shake off what went down to the soul. He was tired.

He was also quite possibly keeping the tea merchants in business by himself already. He needed the caffeine. Zira was passing through on his way to take a cup out to the courtyard to just sit and take in the view until he could close his eyes and not immediately remember what his land had looked like the night after Karau had overrun it when he heard Morrigan's knock. He waved away the housekeeper and answered it himself, eyes widening in surprise when he saw who it was.

"Morrigan? What brings you all the way out here? Please, come in."

[Kender Bard]

Morrigan stepped inside at his invitation and started to say something but stopped and swept her gaze over him with concern. "Are you well, Zira?" she asked him. "You look, well, somewhat exhausted."

Not quite as bad as she had recalled looking after the many, many nights of no sleep while under the influence of Frakir, but she could spot the bone-weary fatigue of him.

[Darastrix]

Zira sighed. "I am somewhat exhausted," he admitted. "I have responsibilities, and they don't go away just because I've come home from a battlefield, and sleep doesn't come easily. The transition back to this--" he gestured to the room they were standing in "--is proving difficult. I've thought about speaking with Sain, he's seen battle, but whenever I do, I feel I haven't the right."

[Kender Bard]

Morrigan had recalled the state of Lord Brandt on the trip back. She had made a few tentative gestures towards him but had been rebuffed and, in truth, hadn't the heart to put more effort into it. She was still feeling the shock of everything herself.

"I think that Lord Brandt would benefit from talking with a friend on anything," Morrigan said softly. "I don't know the man as well as you, but he seemed to me like some who become utterly absorbed in their suffering and mourning. Any distraction--even talking about something as grim as battle and war--has to be better than letting him stew in his grief. But I don't presume to know if that would be true for him or not." She added the last hastily. "But it is my opinion."

She moved closer to offer a quick hug. "I hope things improve for you, in body, heart, and mind. If I could offer any assistance, I would. Don't hesitate to go to the temple and inquire after some of the calming teas we have. They might ease you into sleep."

[Darastrix]

"I will," Zira assured her as he returned the embrace. "Though I think Zack would benefit more from them." Adjustment was hard for him. It was worse on his husband, no doubt in part thanks to Mitura's meddling. "I do have trouble sleeping, but Zack's trouble is part of what keeps me awake." And after years of keeping his mind open to his husband's, it was hard not to be affected at least a little by Zack's nightmares.

"I'd go to the temple regardless, though. Since it all ended, Taed has been on my mind more often." He might have been Thuoth's Chosen, but Taed was his lord as well. Given the circumstances, he was sure Thuoth understood. "There's just been so much loss. If I hadn't already converted from Efil's faith, I imagine I would be now."

[Kender Bard]

I'm not sure I can do this, Morrigan thought with despair. She didn't want to say anything. It would be nice to just spend a day with Zira, the two of them trying to cope with what had happened while enjoying each other's company.

Never again. The tears she'd been holding back flooded her eyes. "I-I'm going to miss you!" she blurted and hugged him again, tighter. "I wish I could just stay here so we could keep seeing one another. Our friendship has always been a balm to my heart and I think I need it more than ever, but... I can't and... I'm sorry."

[Darastrix]

"What?" Zira hugged her back instinctively, though he was completely taken aback. "What are you talking about? Where are you going?" For the moment, he was just too confused for tears.

[Kender Bard]

"I decided to accept the High Priest... um... former High Priest... Christian's offer," Morrigan answered once she had swallowed past the lump in her throat. "Before we all went to battle, he asked if I would be willing to take his place. I'm not sure why me... but Taed, who was in his body even then, did not object. And I decided that... It would be best if I go. I-I'm leaving, Zira. For Athrug."

[Darastrix]

Morrigan was going to be Taed's high priestess? That was such a high honor, and one he felt Morrigan deserved. But Athrug was so far away, and had nobody there but members of the priesthood. Morrigan was such a comfort to the bereaved - was such a comfort to him - it seemed almost wrong to take her from where she could do such good work, especially right after a war that had had such an impact on their country. And he was going to miss her, too, but he couldn't be selfish and ask her to postpone leaving.

He couldn't decide whether to feel more happy for her or sad that she was leaving, and ended up smiling on the verge of tears. "Morrigan...that's wonderful news. I'm sure you'll be a fine high priestess - Taed was inside you, too, he knows what you're capable of."

Forces, but there would be another person that he couldn't see anymore or reach out with his mind to talk to. No more talks about books over at The Apple Barrel. And who would he talk to about all the losses he suffered over the past year? There came the tears then, his smile quivering away as he asked, "Am I permitted to write you, at least?"

[Kender Bard]

"Oh Zira, of course you can," Morrigan replied. "I'd be unbearably lonely if I never heard from you again!"

She feared she would feel that way anyway. "I don't know what I'm going to do without you," she added in a small, choked voice.

[Darastrix]

Then don't go, a small voice in his head begged silently. Zira closed his eyes and tried to ignore it as he curled a wing around her, swallowing hard.

"What...what would you have done if I had died on the field?" he asked quietly. Maybe it was a morbid question, but it was one with a point. And maybe he could comfort the both of them in the process. "Think about that, and do it. And while you do, remember that I'm not dead. I'm here, and we can write. I can visit Athrug one day. A high priest isn't a prisoner of their Force's home. You can come back and visit. I can travel to Maelstrom and maybe reach you with my mind."

[Kender Bard]

Morrigan looked up at him through the swimming vision of tears and lifted a hand to, gently, stroke his cheek just once. "If you had died, I'd have begged Taed to offer what comfort he could at whatever price. You mean so much to me, Zira."

If she were to be honest with herself... really and truthfully honest in a way that she could never give utterance to, she would have had to admit that if she and Zira had been able to share something more to friendship, she would have refused the honor, however prestigious.

But in her contemplations of the offer, she had to ask herself... What was her future? Nothing ever remained truly static, but they could be basically the same, and she was looking at a future of mediocrity (if at least comfortably predictable mediocrity), drifting from day to day, season to season, year to year doing much the same thing. She doubted she would find love. She had wished for it, so fiercely. Taed could not give her a person to love and cherish, but he could offer himself just as she had offered herself to him. And she'd felt his love, tangible and touching her in her heart and soul, and knew that it was an acceptable substitute.

"I hope we do get to see each other," she said softly. "And soon. Even if it's not frequent. And I'll keep you close in my heart, my dearest, truest friend."

[Darastrix]

It was a very good thing that Zira was neither a nosy Mind, nor one who was powerful enough to pick up stray thoughts from a non-Mind without trying. He already felt bad that he didn't seem to love some people as much as they deserved, and if he did, maybe that would have helped Kleio survive or kept Morrigan with him. It wasn't the kind of thing one needed to know was actually true in some cases.

Maybe in another time and place, in the context of a betrothal or similar.... He did care for Morrigan a great deal. Loved her in his way. But as it stood at the moment, he just didn't love her the way she wanted.

"As will I," he murmured. "You have been one of the dearest people in my life. Distance won't change that. May Taed watch over your life, stay his hand when he can, and embrace you with love eternal when he cannot."

[Kender Bard]

Morrigan stood frozen in the moment for several heartbeats, looking at him with heartbreak. Then, slowly, she moved away a step. And then another. "I should go," she whispered, barely able to get the words out. Another step away and it was becoming a little easier now. "Goodbye Zira. I will never, ever forget you."