Welcome to the Jungle (It Gets Worse Here Everyday

[Darastrix]

"Find someone else to deal with it since I would probably fuck up a kid that young," Schuldig said, pinching the bridge of his nose as though he felt a headache coming on. The last memory he'd shared with Mikasi threatened to flicked to life again, and he roughly shoved it back. "The best thing I, personally, can do for a kid is stay the hell away."

[Kender Bard]

"We're almost done for the day," Mikasi told Schuldig soothingly. "There's just one or two more things I want to look at. First, I want to see a moment of conflict between yourself and your daughter. Then we'll end things on a more pleasant note."

[Darastrix]

Conflicts with Harmony. There were plenty of those, too, but with his current line of thought, the one that sprang most easily to mind was the argument that had started when she'd asked him about their lack of surname.

"Like if you're really proud of your family," Harmony was saying, hugging him tight.

He didn't feel happy about that. He was distinctly uncomfortable at the statement, in fact, though he tried to play it off. "You're not going to talk me into this with flattery."

And he ended up hurting her feelings anyway. "I'm not trying to flatter you. I really meant it. I look up to you and Mom."

So much for getting out of an uncomfortable situation.

He sighed and raked his fingers back through his hair. "That's not the way I meant it," he muttered.

"What did you mean, then?"

"That's got nothing to do with the name shit," Schuldig said. "I just wanted things to go to a less uncomfortable place, which has now backfired splendidly."

"Well, forget about it anyway," Harmony snapped. "I don't know why saying I was proud of you makes you uncomfortable. You're so damned weird sometimes." She slid off the bed and walked over to the door. "It's like... You don't WANT to be seen as a good dad. But I don't understand why."

He growled to himself and crossed his arms over his chest. "Tell you what. You spend about twenty years living how I did from the time I was put in Kazimir's place, have a kid that you want to keep from having anything to do with that kind of shit, and then see how it makes you feel."

Then Harmony went into a rant that left little doubt whose child she was. The exact words were muddled, but he remembered the point. "That's stupid...I know that you had a bad life....maybe whatever all that mysterious bad stuff is makes it so you feel the way you do, but it's not fair that you're so stuck in it that you can't even be really HAPPY ever."

Her frown deepened as she ranted until she was positively glowering at him, working herself into an angry fervor.

"So how about you spend nine pretend years wishing for a real family, finally getting it, and then having your dad act like he shouldn't be your dad because of reasons he won't say. Even though he loves you and you love him and he's a really good guy now when it matters."

She huffed out angrily. "Oh, sorry, did that last bit make you uncomfortable?"

He stared at Harmony for a long moment, his expression carefully blank and his tongue held between his teeth. He could still talk, but the pain and taste of blood helped remind him that he really needed to keep his mental mouth shut.

When he was sure he wouldn't go into a shouted rant of over-sharing, he unclenched his jaw and swallowed the blood that had pooled in his mouth. "Get out," he whispered.

[Kender Bard]

"Nasty," Mikasi commented. "And she certainly did start the fight there. I can see both you and Filly in her." Mostly you, though. "She seems to have adopted your penchant to go on a prickly defense. You didn't handle the situation too badly, though. I want you to know that and really believe it. However... Although it was couched in angry words, Harmony seemed to be upset out of confusion, not understanding you. When you responded the way you did, it was with the same defensive manner that she'd used on you. Which put her further on defense, and that's when things got out of hand. You two seem to feed off each others emotional cues. I'm very pleased that you restrained yourself at the end though, even though it must have been hard for you."

"My advice in the future, though, is to do your level best to not give her anything to react upon when confronted with a fight with her. This will also work well on Filly if you find yourself getting in to an argument with her. In fact, it's something I tried to teach her while she was here. Try to calm yourself as much as possible. In your case, it might just have to be an outward calm. But if you react to your daughter's anger with a level, calm voice and don't give her any 'we're going to start a shouting match' signs, I think you'll find she'll deflate fairly quickly. She may even stop getting so riled up easily if you do it consistently."

"Now. Show me your happiest moment with your daughter."

[Darastrix]

The look that Schuldig gave Mikasi was almost confused. He'd gone through more bad memories in the past mark or so than he did in a month and now he was supposed to remember something happy? Still, it was better than digging through the implications of what he'd said in that last memory. He was both surprised and thankful Mikasi hadn't mentioned that. He'd about had his fill for the day.

After everything else he'd been remembering, it took him several minutes, but finally he managed to pull up a happy memory with Harmony. And like the fight they'd had, the memory started out much differently than it ended.

"You'll love me no matter what... won't you?" she asked quietly. "Like mom?"

What?? The idea that Harmony would doubt that hadn't ever occurred to Schuldig before, and he was surprised at how much it hurt to think of her believing that he didn't love her. He hugged her back tight.

~Thank you SO much for letting my daughter have shit like 'girls have to prove their worth to be loved by men' get put into her head,~ he growled at Locket before slamming his shields shut again.

"No matter what," he said. "I won't always agree with you, I will get pissed off at you, and we're probably in for some screaming matches -mental AND vocal - when you're older, just because I think we're a lot alike, but none of that will ever mean I don't love you. Most of it will be because I DO."

Harmony closed her eyes and let out a small sigh that shivered with relief, just a little, as she continued to hug him tightly. "I love you too," she said quietly. "And I'm going to yell at you too and maybe even say things that I know will be mean and hurt..." "But I'll love you forever."

She turned her head and laid a firm kiss on his cheek. "I'm glad you're my dad," she concluded with a smile. "Even if you're unlike any dad anywhere."

"So that's what you've been doing while I've been away. Meeting every father in Naruta to compare me to. I see how it is." He poked her in the ribs."You've."

Poke.

"Been."

Poke.

"Daddy-shopping!"

With that, he started to tickle her in earnest, keeping one arm around her to prevent escape.

[Kender Bard]

Mikasi smiled at the memory, amused and pleased. In his line of work, he didn't often get to see the happy, tender little moments in people's lives. "We'll stop here for today. I'll comment on this memory the next time we meet."

And with that, he drew himself out of Schuldig's mind. His temples throbbed with a budding headache but it wasn't threatening to erupt into a migraine.

[Darastrix]

As soon as Mikasi's presence withdrew, Schuldig snapped his shields back into place. He lingered in his mindscape for a moment or two to catch his breath and regain a bit of composure before coming back to himself. When he resurfaced, he could feel the beginnings of a headache as well, but his was purely a result of the tension he could still feel in his neck and shoulders. He slumped a little in his chair and rested his forehead in one hand.

"Fuck," he muttered softly.

[Kender Bard]

~I'm sorry this has been such a bad experience~ Mikasi told Schuldig. ~These kinds of things are usually anything but. Let's wait another three days before our next session. Rest up in the meanwhile.~

[Darastrix]

"Suits me," Schuldig said, glad to have an extra day before he had to rehash his life with Mikasi again. Now he saw an answer to his old 'what is with Minds on Naruta and cats?' question. When one wanted to be alone, but didn't at the same time, a cat could be nice to have around. Ah, well. There was always mindmelt.

He sighed and got to his feet. "I think my first stop is going to be to see Smoke at the temple."