Dun Dun Dun|Malagard, Khelek
Mar 15, 2011 0:06:09 GMT -5
Post by Kender Bard on Mar 15, 2011 0:06:09 GMT -5
Filly kept the news of her upcoming wedding to herself for the time being, wrapping the secret around her heart like a warm blanket that kept her spirits high and her mood pleasant for a solid two weeks.
At the end of those two weeks, it all came crashing down with the familiar cramping pains that heralded a crushing realization: she was not pregnant.
It had not been her intent when she had gone to Flux to try and conceive a child, though she did realize part way into the trip that she had a prime opportunity at her fingertips. The more she thought about it, the more she thought it odd that she hadn't had an 'accident' in the many years since she became a mortal. She was aware that many of her partners used babybane, though, so while it was strange, perhaps even unlikely, she was willing to blame it on chance and luck, even when she continued to fail to have a child during that bout of time when babybane seemed to do absolutely nothing.
But a week and a half ensconced in Flux's Bower? Surely something had to come from that.
But it hadn't, and a thought that had creeped and gnawed on the edges of her thoughts for the past few months erupted in full. Even when she actively tried, she couldn't become pregnant.
She was barren.
Perhaps when Efil had cleaved her essence away from her soul, she had taken something vital with her. She could scarcely believe that the Force of Life had made a vessel in her own image that was incapable of producing life. But here she was, and no she couldn't, and she couldn't stop thinking about it. She obsessed over and could feel panic and despair close itself around her throat and chest until she wanted to scream.
She hadn't thought it'd be possible to ever feel quite as hurt as the time she realized that she'd never get Schuldig's blessing to extend their family. At least she'd always have had the option, the opportunity, to have a child somehow, someway, maybe someday. As unlikely as she knew it was, if Schuldig had ever changed his mind, the ability was still there. But now it was gone and no one, not her husband, not a lover, not a stranger, could ever fix it.
She found an empty room and paced around it, arms holding her stomach tightly as she fought against her tears. She felt so... broken inside.
There was no way she was going to be able to cope with this gracefully, at least not this day. And the last thing she wanted to do was have Schuldig discover her in a fit of hysteria only to find out that it was about it again and have to deal with the guilt or the anger that would no doubt come with that.
She had to go somewhere else, somewhere that she could grieve without fear of discovery. She wanted nothing more than to flee to the temple and curl up in front of Taed's statue at the feet of her brother so she could beg for comfort and curse him in the same breath. But the Khelek temple wouldn't do. And after she had gotten done with that, she didn't want to be alone.
She couldn't teleport, and she wasn't about to ask Harmony for a lift. She wanted to leave now, not after an hour of empathic work on herself just so she could put on a calm front for her daughter. She did keep her shields up hard and firm, though, as she reached out to Nagi. It didn't steady her mind-voice but at least her misery didn't ride on her telepathy to him. ~I... I need your help, Nagi.~ She flashed him an image of which room she was in.
At the end of those two weeks, it all came crashing down with the familiar cramping pains that heralded a crushing realization: she was not pregnant.
It had not been her intent when she had gone to Flux to try and conceive a child, though she did realize part way into the trip that she had a prime opportunity at her fingertips. The more she thought about it, the more she thought it odd that she hadn't had an 'accident' in the many years since she became a mortal. She was aware that many of her partners used babybane, though, so while it was strange, perhaps even unlikely, she was willing to blame it on chance and luck, even when she continued to fail to have a child during that bout of time when babybane seemed to do absolutely nothing.
But a week and a half ensconced in Flux's Bower? Surely something had to come from that.
But it hadn't, and a thought that had creeped and gnawed on the edges of her thoughts for the past few months erupted in full. Even when she actively tried, she couldn't become pregnant.
She was barren.
Perhaps when Efil had cleaved her essence away from her soul, she had taken something vital with her. She could scarcely believe that the Force of Life had made a vessel in her own image that was incapable of producing life. But here she was, and no she couldn't, and she couldn't stop thinking about it. She obsessed over and could feel panic and despair close itself around her throat and chest until she wanted to scream.
She hadn't thought it'd be possible to ever feel quite as hurt as the time she realized that she'd never get Schuldig's blessing to extend their family. At least she'd always have had the option, the opportunity, to have a child somehow, someway, maybe someday. As unlikely as she knew it was, if Schuldig had ever changed his mind, the ability was still there. But now it was gone and no one, not her husband, not a lover, not a stranger, could ever fix it.
She found an empty room and paced around it, arms holding her stomach tightly as she fought against her tears. She felt so... broken inside.
There was no way she was going to be able to cope with this gracefully, at least not this day. And the last thing she wanted to do was have Schuldig discover her in a fit of hysteria only to find out that it was about it again and have to deal with the guilt or the anger that would no doubt come with that.
She had to go somewhere else, somewhere that she could grieve without fear of discovery. She wanted nothing more than to flee to the temple and curl up in front of Taed's statue at the feet of her brother so she could beg for comfort and curse him in the same breath. But the Khelek temple wouldn't do. And after she had gotten done with that, she didn't want to be alone.
She couldn't teleport, and she wasn't about to ask Harmony for a lift. She wanted to leave now, not after an hour of empathic work on herself just so she could put on a calm front for her daughter. She did keep her shields up hard and firm, though, as she reached out to Nagi. It didn't steady her mind-voice but at least her misery didn't ride on her telepathy to him. ~I... I need your help, Nagi.~ She flashed him an image of which room she was in.