Bittersweet Home|Malagard, Khelek

[Darastrix]

Crawford gave a small smile and squeezed Filly's hand. "I've had a good deal of practice," he said. "Patience is practically a requirement to be a good, dedicated Seer, and mine has been thoroughly tested over the years."

[Kender Bard]

Filly nodded--she'd not known him that long, comparably, and even she knew how much his patience and calmness had come through. She ran her thumb lightly over his knuckles in idle gesture as she considered what she'd do with herself next. "How long do you think until Schuldig returns?"

[Darastrix]

Crawford shook his head. "I'm not really sure. I don't think it will be a terribly long time, however. Perhaps a few days. I've never met Lord Wintersong, but I've gathered he's a decent man. Or, as Schuldig has put it, 'a romantic idiot, but without the idiot bit.' He may encourage him to come home sooner."

He just hoped Schuldig stuck to indulging himself with his lover and not any of the "treats" Soahc's Addicts could supply him with. If Schuldig were determined, he could consume enough narcotics to skew even a Swan's sense of time.

[Kender Bard]

Filly bit back her first retort to that--that yes romanticism was very pleasant, wasn't it, and what a pity she'd never know the same from HER husband.

I'm still so damned angry at him, she thought miserably. Everything about him is driving me crazy right now.

"I've been pestering Harmony to learn of when he would return," Filly admitted. "I didn't want to be the first one to return home." She gave a rueful smile. "Call it pride but I didn't want it to look as though I've been sitting around pining after him. But here I am now. I certainly hope it's not more than a couple of days or I might just go there and make a scene."

At least she could admit it.

[Darastrix]

"I wouldn't advise it," Crawford said mildly. "If nothing else, I doubt his lordship would appreciate having a scene play out in his home, possibly within earshot of his children."

[Kender Bard]

"Had to bring that up, didn't you," Filly muttered. She stood, agitated. Not wanting to pace, she just crossed her arms. I'm a wreck. I have got to stop obsessing over Schuldig for a bit. That's why I left in the first place. She eyed Crawford. Well he called me back, he can help.

"I think this topic has been exhausted," she declared, taking a step closer to him. "So let's conclude thusly; while waiting for his return, will you help keep me from flying off the handle and doing something rash? Just let me spend a little time in your company now and then over the next couple days. We don't even need to talk about Schuldig. We could just sit and talk or walk or visit the chi-" she bit her tongue. Best not go there. "Of course if you're busy or preoccupied I'm sure Locket would be pleased to divert my attentions too." She smiled slightly, almost secretively, at him. "Though I much prefer you."

[Darastrix]

"I will endeavor to keep you suitably distracted," Crawford replied. "It will be nice to spend some time walking outside of the palace before the worst of the cold sets in."

---

Two days later, Schuldig called on Nagi to bring him home.

~I'm back,~ he sent, informing everyone at once as he headed for his room. He was hoping for things to just pick back up where they'd been before his latest sniping match with Filly. Naturally, his lover was in favour of actually bringing it back up and talking.

"It'll just end up with us yelling at each other."

"Not to put too fine a point on it, but when has that ever stopped you?"

"And if she leaves, I'll have the satisfaction of knowing I was honest? FUCK that."

"She doesn't know how you feel."

"And that's supposed to make her get over the baby crazies?"

"I didn't say that. But it may give her some perspective." A pause. "And understanding how she feels may give you some as well."

"Whoop-dee-fucking-doo."

"Let me put this another way: I wouldn't have been as patient with Zack's past refusals of responsibility if I hadn't known that instead of just wanting to do nothing, he was worried that he might make mistakes that would hurt someone else. It's important that you talk. It might not change how either of you feel about the subject, but it may change how you respond to each other in regards to it. That would make a big difference."

"You Thuothans like making sense too damn much."

Schuldig shook his head to clear it as he stepped into his room. Maybe the lovebird was wrong, and they could just forget it happened.

[Kender Bard]

Filly hadn't been far from the room when she received Schuldig's notification. She'd debated on whether she should avoid him, confront him, or do neither. She wound up in the room still conflicted but it was where she'd gone. Maybe deep down inside I want to talk. Or fight. She grit her teeth at her own indecision. By the time Schuldig had arrived, she was looking out the window. She glanced over her shoulder. The look she gave him wasn't hostile but it wasn't a cheerful greeting either.

She rolled her shoulders and sighed, trying to breathe out a little of her tension. "Welcome home," she said, quietly. Let him decide how we do this then.

[Darastrix]

Schuldig frowned and shut the door behind him. So much for forgetting. Damn Thuothans and being right. Or at least more right than he wanted.

Silently, he walked over to the bed and perched on the side to kick his shoes off before shifting closer to the middle of the bed and drawing his knees up to his chest. "Just to make sure we're on the same page," he muttered, "what are we fighting about now?"

[Kender Bard]

Filly turned around and frowned at him. "I know you didn't want a child. But I'd hoped you'd change your mind or something would happen to make the situation at least possible." She bristled and added tartly, "But you couldn't even let me have a hope. Then when I got upset about it you just left. Left me to deal with it while you went and consoled yourself over.... what? What were YOU upset about? I yelled at you a little and you ran all the way to Anarlina. What the hell was that for?"

[Darastrix]

Schuldig rested his chin on his knees. "You're right," he said. "Why should I be upset? Why should it matter that you want another kid more than you want me?" His brows drew together and his jaw tensed as he spat out the words. "Why should I be bothered that Harmony and I just aren't enough for you anymore? Why should I be upset when you just keep wanting and wanting and it's something I can't give?"

[Kender Bard]

Filly glowered at Schuldig. "That's ridiculous," she growled. "If I wanted a child more than you, Schuldig, I would have gone forth and bedded every viable man in Khelek. Or better yet, just brought one of the poor souls at the orphanage home with me without so much as a by your leave. But I didn't. I don't just want a child. I DO but I also want one with you. Or I did." She crossed her arms, fingers digging angrily into her arms to remind herself to calm her temper and not resort to shouting.

"I love you and Harmony. You both are my whole world. But in case you haven't noticed, our daughter is rapidly reaching an age where she no longer wants to be treated like a child. Hell, she was near that age when Efil brought her to you. She's independent. She does not want to be mothered and coddled and cared for and in but a few short years she won't need it either. But how long have I gotten the pleasure of really being a mother? Barely any time at all."

She gave him a reproachful look. "And if you didn't have such a burning distaste for small children, she could be the age she's supposed to be and this wouldn't be an issue at all because I wouldn't be feeling like I got but the barest taste of family life only to have it slipping away already."

"So yes. I do want a child. I want to raise an actual family for more than two or three years. But you have opened my eyes to the impossibility of that so the point is no longer worth wasting breath on."

[Darastrix]

Oh, I've got perspective now, all right, Schuldig thought bitterly. Thanks a fucking bunch, Zira.

It was just a matter of time. Filly was so fucking in love with the thought of playing house that how he felt didn't factor in. And since he couldn't give her that, she was going to leave, sooner or later. Just like Efil.

His chest gave a painful squeeze at that thought, and he pushed himself off the bed and started jamming his feet back in his shoes before he could do something stupid, like offer to make it possible anyway. He knew that would be the wrong thing to do in the long run.

"Well, if you don't think there's any point in talking, there's no point in my being here."

[Kender Bard]

"Where are you going to go now?" Filly asked exasperated, angry. "I thought you'd be relieved or even happy. The matter has been dropped--I will not ask you for a child ever again. Why are you still upset? What the hell do you want!?"

He doesn't care, not really.

[Darastrix]

"I want you to be happy, dammit!" Schuldig snapped over his shoulder at her. "But I can't make you happy with this. I can't give you what you want, and if I did, it wouldn't be because I wanted it. And then you'd have what you wanted, and I'd be an afterthought, and I'd do something, not even on purpose, but I would, and you'd leave anyway! And I'd still fuck it up by proxy, because do you have ANY idea what it's like to be a kid and know you're not wanted?"